BCI NET 2

home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search

/ BCI NET 2 / BCI NET 2.iso / archives / textfiles / jokes1.lha / jokes_1 / USA_1989 < prev next >

Wrap

Text File | 2002-08-23 | 19.7 KB | 363 lines

From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. The l989 Calendar 2 January: Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker announce their complete innocence and ask for more people to send more money more often so they can get on more stations and get more people to send more money more often so that they can get on more stations and ask more people to send more money more often. 5 January: Jimmy Swaggart announces need for more money if he is to stay on stations he is on, and not get off any of these. He needs lots more money to pay for the stations he is on, and he needs this immediately. 7 January: Richard and Oral Roberts announce a special fund drive to build a new and super prayer tower, which will be fifteen times as tall as present tower and will thus get closer to the Almighty. This new tower will insure that the prayers which come from it get there faster than the prayers of others, namely, in case you didn't guess, Jim or Jimmy. ll January: Newspapers report Tammy Faye Bakker suffered a gigantic mascara slide and that, fortunately, no one was injured. Switchboards on local police stations were jammed for a time with questions about earthquake, but cause has now been determined and Tammy will not wear quite so much mascara in the future. l6 January: Jerry Falwell declares Oliver North first North American Saint for the Independent Baptist Church. 19 January: Wesley Fletcher, former evangelist who appeared on show with Geraldo, and admitted sexual activities with Jim Bakker now admits, at press conference, his lust for tomato aphids. 20 January: Vice President Dan Quayle, feeling that the televangelists are getting far too much time on television, moons Democratic Party at inauguration ceremony. President George Bush announces that he will be deprived of the use of his tricycle for two weeks as punishment. When complaints continue to arrive, the President also announces that the Vice President will not be allowed warm milk for three weeks before he goes to bed. 22 January: A national poll picks the University of Oklahoma as the best professional football team in the nation. 27 January: President Bush admits that he did not know the scope of national debt and says that nation should not read his lips any longer. 2 February: Talent search started by Oral Roberts to find someone willing to take him as hostage so he can use this as a fund raising tool. No one is found willing and so he is going to rent a hostage taker from Yassir Arafat. 4 February: Jewish Defense League pickets Oral Roberts for doing business with Arab terrorists. Oral says he will go to prayer tower anyway. 6 February: Former President and Mrs. Reagan attend a church. Roof falls in shortly after service concluded. 8 February: Jim Bakker announces intention to buy not only Disneyland, but lower section of California, which will be turned into a theme park for Christians. l5 February: President Bush, while acknowledging that the writers of IRS forms are very likely a "highly diseased" group of people, exempts them from AIDS tests, on the ground that they would not be able to find bottle, let alone use it. 24 February: Vice President Dan Quayle is allowed at long last to celebrate his 42ed Birthday. He is denied his request for spray paint cans, since President Bush feels that repainting the White House is far too expensive. 26 February: Former President Jerry Ford visits St. Louis Arch and bumps head on it. Claims "Executive Privilege" when given bill for repair of stainless steel cover of arch. 6 March: Vice President Dan Quayle ill from consumption of entire Burpee Seed Catalog when left unattended for a time in office. l6 March: Former President Jimmy Carter states that if given a chance, he can make necessary repairs to St. Louis Arch with volunteer help at no cost to the government. Shows up in St. Louis in blue jeans with carpenter's hat. l9 March: Jim and Tammy Bakker announce that they are now on 62l television stations and need more money to get on more stations so more people can see them and send more money so they can get on more stations so more people can see them and send more money so they can get on more stations. 2l March: Jerry Falwell announces yet another crusade to save Oliver North from the law. Says he will need millions to contact all Americans and those abroad, particularly in Iran, to sign petitions to send to President Bush. 26 March: Lyndon LaRouche announces he will run for President in next election from prison cell in Federal Psychiatric Facility. Press announcement includes the comment "If they elect Dan Quayle to high office, I certainly have a very good chance." l April: Jimmy Swaggart launches sixty-first "last desperate appeal for funds," in gigantic mailing to everyone in Western Hemisphere. Admits that his bills are not all paid. However, says he is doing well and expects a miracle to help him cover costs of mailing. If recipients do not send money, says mailing, "millions will go to hell, unsaved, lost, and rich." 7 April: Uproar created when Vice President Dan Quayle tries to bring beebee gun into Vice President's office and the Secret Service will not allow it. Quayle cries and throws tantrum. President George Bush mediates dispute and settles it with offer of a clear plastic water gun from which plunger has been removed. l9 April: General Services Administration finds huge stacks of petitions written in Arabic at front door of White House. Jerry Falwell says these are in favor of the release of Ollie North without trial. Translator, hired to read these, says they all say "Imperialist Yankee stay home!" 26 April: The Betty Ford Clinic for Rehabilitation of Drug Addicts announces the purchase of a franchise from the National League. The Clinic will field its own baseball team next season, featuring those who have spent time at the place. "Already we have 417 potential members for our team," said a public relations person for the Clinic. 6 May: Donna Rice quoted as having said that she does not miss Gary Hart, but sure would like to find someone with a nice yacht to take her on a ride. If Senator Jesse Helms has one "yes, I'd be interested," she said. 10 May: Entire student body at State School for the Deaf did read President Bush's lips, when he was away from microphone, and he was telling the Secret Service to put Vice President Quayle back in his office before he ate all the flowers in the Executive Garden and got sick again. "If it isn't the damn catalogue for flowers, then its the flowers themselves," Bush mumbled to himself as the students watched in utter amazement. 19 May: Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker announce that they are now on 918 television stations and that they need more money to get on more television stations so more people can see them and send in more money so they can get on more stations so that more people can see them and send in more money so that they can get on more television stations. 29 May: Professional Baseball Players announce strike unless their wages are drastically increased. "Thay ain't no reason why we don' git more fer what we do with them owners a takin thars," said one of the members of the group, chosen for his obvious superiority in diction and grammar. "We been a thinkin fer quite awhile that the base salariee fer 'very body might be a million!" 6 June: Oral Roberts admits that God makes everything, but when pressed about whether or not God made New Jersey, Oral says it is a question he can't really answer. On the same day, Senator Jesse Helms announces purchase of yacht which will be used in tropical waters for occasional outings with friends. 20 June: Federal Bureau of Investigation inaugurates extensive search for the stuffed Panda stolen from Vice President Dan Quayle's office, which has now been missing for several days. "Quayle hasn't slept for the past four nights," says a press release. 25 June: Col. Manual Noriega, speaking from Panama City, Panama, runs a series of short commercials on various television networks for a "Headache Remedy." It will, according to the Colonel, "bliss you out." Additional advantages, acknowledged in the commercial include ridding you of bad thoughts "like Reganism." 2 July: Former President and Mrs. Reagan announce intention of visiting a local church in Santa Barbara for the following weekend. Church immediately starts collection for emergency roof reinforcement program to be completed before the announced date of arrival of couple to attend. 4 July: Elvis Presley, through a spokesperson, announces he has discovered Tammy Faye Bakker on television, and would actually prefer to stay dead if possible. 6 July: Oral Roberts, hearing about Elvis, says that he, Oral, is willing to help Elvis "no matter which way he wants to go." Oral has claimed power to bring people back from the dead, and says "I can put him down or bring him up, whichever he prefers." 10 July: Cher wins the "Rusty Ruptured Duck" award for recycling industrial waste into her new marketing effort for a fragrance. It is said to come from the Akron, Ohio, industrial waste center, and smells suspiciously like tire shavings. l6 July: Oliver North announces that he will no longer accept speaking engagements for $ 25,000 each as he had been doing. "Read My Lips," says North, and then he announces that each person in his audience is expected to purchase at least $ 20.00 worth of cassettes. 27 July: An AAU Swim Meet in Chicago, Illinois, is marred by charges of drug abuse as one of the contestants enters Lake Michigan from a Chicago beach and swims to Superior, Wisconsin, in four hours and twelve minutes. The swimmer, a seven year old girl, 6'8", weighing 240 pounds with a deep husky voice, insists she did not use steroids. During the press conference surrounding these bizarre charges, the young girl pulls out an electric razor and shaves her beard. 5 August: Alexander Haig, former Republican Candidate for President of the United States, announces he will run for office again, perhaps as Vice President. "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent," says Haig. 11 August: Nancy Reagan, speaking about Mrs. Gorbachev, introduces the subject with some sparkling comments about "that ugly old witch," and follows up with even more frank comments "she is a shameless huzzie." When questioned about her remarks Nancy simply says this is a time of openness and honesty. "After all," says Nancy, "she blows her nose with toilet paper, because she doesn't know which end is up." 18 August: Manual Noriega, appearing with Pat Robertson on the "700 Club" television show, announces he is not a Communist and plans to run for Vice President of the United States. "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent," he says. 26 August: Jimmy Swaggart announces a last final desperate appeal for funds to pay off some overdue bills. This is his l89th such appeal this year, setting a new record for fund raising claims of either/or. 30 August: Geraldo Rivera hosts a show on which appears Joan Rivers, who during the course of the program punches him and breaks his nose. At a news conference following this event, Rivera announces that he will run for Vice President. "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent," says Rivera. 3 September: Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker announce that they are now on every television station in operation and ask that more stations be constructed. Rumors fly that Tammy Faye is being treated for a rare disease called "Mascara Poisoning." 11 September: Cher, noting that Sonny Bono is a Mayor in a California City, announces her own intention to run for Vice President of the United States. "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent," she says. l3 September: Geraldo Rivera, popular talk show host, announces that he is going to tell the world all he knows, and needs someone to appear on his half hour show to fill in the remaining twenty-eight minutes. Jim and Tammy Faye immediately come forward and volunteer, which leaves just twenty-seven minutes of the show to be filled. However, if the producer will allow Tammy to cry, three segments of the show can be filled easily. l5 September: "Bozo the Airhead," a local television celebrity appearing on a number of shows for children in Blackhole, Montana, announces his candidacy for the Office of Vice President of the United States. "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent," says the clown. 17 September: President George Bush, scheduled to make speech at breakfast commemorating the attack on Pearl Harbor, cancels appearance, saying that the press of preparing for the Easter Egg Hunt is too urgent. Later this same day, President Bush does appear at Andrews Air Force Base to tour submarine. 20 September: In a very rare public appearance, Vice President Dan Quayle is a guest on the television show "Romper Room." Taped show is expected to be aired in 1995. 23 September: The United States Air Force, as a public relations gesture, will show the new Stealth Bomber to the public. However, program delays are caused by inability of Air Force to find the plane. 24 September: FBI announces that investigation started on June 20th has been successful. The giant stuffed Panda which was removed from Vice President Dan Quayle's office has been found! It was located in President Bush's wastebasket and had a very large number of long hat pins stuck in it, said a spokesperson for the FBI. President Bush denied any knowledge of the Panda. 27 September: Furloughed rapist Willie Horton, appearing on Oprah Winfrey program, says he is going to run for the Office of Vice President of the United States. "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent," says Horton. Mike Tyson immediately endorses Horton. "The man has style and quality, something the office ain't got now," says Tyson. 30 September: Noting that Dan Quayle is indeed the Vice President, President George Bush makes his first official duty that of scheduling the serving of Jello in the White House. "In this administration," says President Bush, "it is my intention to utilize the full potential of the Vice President." 6 October: Pee Wee Herman, noting that Dan Quayle is Vice President, announces that he is going to run for this office. "If the people elected Dan Quayle," says Herman, my chances just have to be excellent." During press conference, Herman was noted to be clutching giant stuffed Panda. 10 October: Jerry Falwell appears to announce yet another defense fund for Oliver North. This is his l7th such appeal this year. Rumors circulate that Oliver North may run for Vice President. 18 October: Vice President Dan Quayle is denied his request to appear on rerun of the Gong Show. Producer of show stands by decision, saying that "it would be a shame to compromise the quality or integrity of our program in this manner." Quayle, stung by this decision and denial of request, announces that he will ask to appear on "Wheel of Fortune." Producer of this program, unable to speak due to fit of hysterical laughter, says nothing. 22 October: Professional Wrestler "Jake the Snake" announces for the Office of Vice Pres. of the United States. In an interview with the National Enquirer, Jake says: "If the people elected Dan Quayle, my chances are excellent." He appears at press conference holding a REAL Panda. 26 October: Jerry Falwell appears on Nightline with Ted Koppel and is asked about his continued support of Oliver North. In one off the cuff remark, he says: "You can bank on the fact that a lot of people support Oliver North and so do I." During the program, he announces yet another fund raising drive to defend Oliver North. Oliver North refused to appear on the program, due to the fact that ABC-TV would not offer him $ 25,000 and buy some cassett-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- l9 November: Col. Manual Noriega takes out ads in various fundamentalist magazines which announce that he is not a Communist, believes in school prayer, and has some white powder to sell to anyone interested. There is an "800" phone number. 25 November: President George Bush announces that there are just 30 days remaining before the White House Easter Egg Hunt. He also appoints Vice President Dan Quayle as Director of this event. 28 November: At a convention in Iowa held annually to gather the Knights of the Open Road, "Boxcar Willie," over a cup of soup announces that he is a candidate for the office of Vice President of the United States. "If the people elected Dan Quayle," he says, "my chances are very good." 2 December: At a luncheon of the "Friends of Jimmy Hoffa," it is announced that Jimmy Hoffa will run for the Vice Presidency of the United States. When some object, saying this is impossible, the chairman of the event says that nothing is impossible. "If the people of the United States can elect Dan Quayle as Vice President, the field is wide open for someone with integrity and honesty, and so we are going to run Jimmy Hoffa." 7 December: President George Bush says he has not seen any groundhogs today, so we are in for a mild summer. No one quite understands the meaning of this announcement. 10 December: Vice President Dan Quayle announces that he is making a foreign journey, to preside at the Grand Opening of a Kentucky Fried Chicken store in Guam. He is told that this is not a foreign trip, since Guam is part of the United States. "It's Dukakis at work again," he mumbles, leaving the stage with no additional remarks. 2l December: Vice President Dan Quayle presides at launching of the new garbage barge for Washington, D.C., the U.S.S. Balderdash. 26 December: Olympic Sprinter Ben Johnson runs from Vancover, B.C, to Toronto, Canada in l2 hours! His average speed was in excess of 65 mph. Denies the use of any form of drugs or steroids, but admits that he grew four inches during run. 27 December: Many commentators have noted that Jimmy Swaggart did NOT send a Christmas card to Jim and Tammy Bakker, nor to Marvin Gorman! Rather Happily, the Year Has Come To An END! From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.